January’s ending.  One step closer to the end of the masters degree.  One step closer to the good-byes.  One step closer to a new career, new life, and…. new me.

I’ve been just too busy with all the things going on in my life: school, CPA exams, GA stuff, planning planning and planning.  I am afraid that I would fail again, just like I had exactly two years back.  Yeah, I should spend this time studying instead of writing this post, but I really need to “vent.”  Facebook is too public; twitter is just not “right” for me.

Well, no organization/flow here in this post.  I guess studying regulation makes it like that. sigh.

I have always been that person who offers to help even if it goes well beyond my capabilities, in terms of time and abilities.  I would offer to help then would regret because I knew that I’ve got no time to help anyone since I was always in desperate need for more time and better skills.  But I still helped, at least to my capabilities.  Then people started to take advantage of it. 

They knew that even if they wrote sloppy, crappy essays, I’d gladly fix ALL the grammar mistakes I could find in the writing and make them sound better.  Sometimes, people didn’t even bother to write complete sentences because they knew… they knew that I’d do it for them.  It still infuriates me that I didn’t realize that they were taking advantage of my “generosity” until a few years later when I finally was able to view my own actions in the third person point of view.  Then I reminded myself constantly not to go beyond my abilities to help anyone or even offer to help.

But I did it again… err.. I have been doing it again.  I’d offer to read people’s writing assignments, to fix their mistakes or to improve their sentences a bit.  I’d even help with math problems if I could.  Sometimes I was more than happy to help and was genuinely glad.  No regrets.  But other times, I regretted.  It’s probably my fault that I agreed to help when I shouldn’t have, but I always hated people’s attitudes once the “deal” has been accepted.  They would ask for one small thing, then one more, two more and then it becomes a whole new project that I have to “help” (more like “do for them”) them with.  They always put their own time and schedule as their first priorities before considering that I do have life and work to do.  They will tell me to wait for their work because they were busy with other things.  Then I still say “okay.”  I hate it but I can never refuse.  This has happened several times even this past week and I don’t know how many times I experienced this throughout my life.  It was like this in high school, college and pretty much all my life. 

I once again reminded myself not to repeat the same mistake, but I know I will do it again.  They always say “Can I BORROW YOUR TIME” but in reality, I feel like I am asking “Can I LEND YOU MY TIME?”

I must be a help-offer addict or something.  gotta fix.

Almost one month into the fall semester, the school work is piling up.  I am still doing okay as I already have had eight semesters of similar patterns in the past, but I know it will get overwhelming as the exams approach.  .  I can see that I am a little loosened up with the signed offer and a much better graduate GPA in my hands, but I am still trying to keep myself awake and alert.  I am trying.

LA trip was very fun because I was with someone from whom I do not have to hide anything at all.  I was just being myself, and I am sure she was being herself as well.  We don’t see each other that often but we talk and laugh as if we saw each other the night before.  Love it.  (Some ups and downs during the trip because of some ignorant, immature people but I’ve finally learned my lesson that I don’t even have to bother caring about someone who’s gone so far away from me.  I am really done with you and your people.)

Back to reality now.  Got gazillion exams coming up and gotta prep for the CPA exams coming up next semester. ah!

Woke up a little early (6 AM) because I WAS gonna go for a run.  Instead, I lied down in my bed and started thinking about anything and everything.

So my job’s secured, and I am happy.  I am just waiting to sign the offer letter which has yet to come in the SNAIL MAIL.  School’s going well.  I’ve got my own office to work and study in, which is very nice. 

Then I started thinking about people. I normally don’t keep in touch with that many people because 1) I am bad at it, 2) I don’t prefer to have tons of “friends,” and 3) I don’t see the need for it.  But this isn’t intentional.  I just do it naturally because it feels comfortable.  Then there is one or actually two that I am intentionally keeping myself from getting in touch.  The first one seemed to be one sided not by me but from the opposite party.  Being the best friend of a friend whom I will be talking about soon, she decided to stop talking to me without notice.  So be it.  I don’t really see the need to talk with you anyway. The second one seemed to be mutual.  We both had our reasons and I respect that.  She had her side and I had mine.  But I would like to have a sit-down talk with her when she and I both feel appropriate because we need it.  These thoughts linger near me everyday, so even with all these good things happening around me, I am still worried and stressed.

I gotta get outta the bed because my brain seems to be very good at generating negative, depressing thoughts when I am in bed.  Gotta get ready and head out for the gym!

After the crazy eight weeks of fun, stress and anxiety, what seemed to be never ending is finally coming to an end.  Still got a full week left, but it really is almost over.

I feel like I gained much more than what I had anticipated.  I was looking for more of an experience where I could figure out whether this was really for me.  That was it.  I never really looked for anything more than some kind of guidance that would tell me, “Yeah, this is the job for you.  Don’t look around for anything better.”  But coming out of this experience, I have gained so much more.

I did achieve my original goal of finding the “right” job.  The work has been awesome.  I was able to learn numerous things that I couldn’t even possibly dream of gaining through assignments and exams.  I learned to interact professionally with others.  I learned to draw lines between maintaining professionalism and personal relationships.  most importantly, I learned to appreciate what I have and what has been provided to me and to judge people based on their skills and personalities not based on their visible brands of schools and origins.  I could go on with these all day and night just explaining what I mean by these, but I think it will just be much better if I kept this post brief.

I would love to land in the Big Apple, but if things don’t work out and I end up whoknowswhere, I am gonna work my way up to my goals until I get to stand on the stage of dream and speak to thousands of people about my experiences, my challenges and downhills and how this experience has brought me to where I am. 

The end.  Good bye EY.  Hope to see you soon :)

First day of training.

Local office orientation was fun.  I met and talked with the same people I met during the in-house, but this time, I felt much more comfortable chatting with them now that I am in their team.  haha then lunch at GB right next door, then I ran to the airport to catch my 3:05 pm flight to Salt Lake City and here I am!  Being a couch potato (just like I had been for the past month), playing around with my laptop :D  I am just waiting for the other people to get in so we can go grab dinner together.  Excited to start again! :D

April?  It was just one month of one year.  Nothing special.  None of my friends’ birthdays is in April, so I didn’t care. 사람들이 입버릇처럼 4월에 대해 나쁘게 얘기할때도 난 그저 왜? 라는 질문만 하곤 했다.  However, this year, it’s changed.

4월의 시작은 할머니의 병세가 심각해졌다는 전화로 시작되었지만 그 전화를 받고도 우리는 그 길로 나설 수 없었다.  이런 저런 이유로.  그리고 할머니가 위독하시다는 얘기를 듣고 겨우 엄마부터 길을 나섰고, 아빠와 내가 도착해 삶과 죽음의 경계선에서 우리라는 마지막 끈을 붙잡고 애원하는 할머니를 보았다.  그래도 할머니는 우리 가족을 보신 후에야 표정이 편해지셨고, (at least I believe) 아마 그래서 할머니는 편히 돌아가실 수 있었는지도 모르겠다. 

우리 가족에겐 너무나도 차가웠던 한달이 끝나가고 있다고 느꼈을때즈음… 4월의 마지막을 향해가는 오늘… 난 또 한번 가슴이 아팠다.  내 기도가 부족했나보다.  I wish I could do more than what I did today.  만약 내게 초능력이 있었다면…이라고 정말 어리석고 유치한 생각까지 하게 만들었던 오늘 하루. 참 길고도 길었다.  그래도 감사한 것은 화를 내기 보다는 이해할 수 있는 상황이었다는 것. 빨리 오늘이 지나가고 일주일이 지나고 한달이 지났으면 좋겠다.

4월이 다시는 안왔으면 좋겠다.